Thursday, 13 December 2012

Pushing 50: My Alter Ego

Life sucks!
BIG time!
Yup…you read that right. Reality bites and it bites hard, hard, hard cold bites! And day by day…it’s getting even more difficult to act as a normal functioning adult. I’m struggling to keep a brave front, to smile when I actually feel like crying and to stay alive when I wish otherwise. It is the darkest before dawn so I’ve been told. But hey… let me tell you, this is the longest darkest hour ever! And from the looks of it, I’m awfully certain this suffocating darkness will hover and linger for a little while longer over my horizon. It has set its determined mind and refuses to budge even an inch. No compromise! Gosh, I hate this monotonous-nothing-happens-depressingly-tormenting phase of my life. And so you should know, HATE is a BIG word in my dictionary. I normally avoid using the word but once used it sure did come from within the darkest side of me. Looks like ‘dark’ apparently and appropriately is the theme for the day, isn’t it? This rough patch I’m going through at the moment is slowly eating up my sanity and if I’m not careful… *you fill in the blank*  No,  I’m not giving up neither am I whining. Okay fine…so I’m whining but I’m keeping it minimal, okay? Happy now? Let’s just say that today my negativity is at its prime. *Help!*

And no Sir, you don’t get to psychoanalyze me. I know the drill. I know I should be more grateful and thankful for what I have and that others have it even worse. Hunger. War. Oppression. Abuse.  Aids. Poverty. *ouch!* Cancer. Dementia. Schizophrenia.  Jobless. *sounds familiar?* OCD. Living on the streets. *gulp!* Living with MIL. Living with assholes. *please excuse my French!* Having to deal with inconsiderate drivers on daily basis. Having to face the traffic jam on daily basis. Having to deal with assholes on daily basis. *Bitter is now my middle name * And the list goes on and on… 

I know my misery is absolutely miniscule compared to those above-mentioned. So what if I wake up each morning and the unpaid bills are staring down on my face and wishing me good morning? So what if I miss wearing my working clothes and getting a considerably fat pay check at the end of the month? So what if I haven’t been to the hair dresser for only God knows how long? So what if I have no idea when the next job will ever come my way? So what if I know fcuk how to pay off the house rental next month? *More examples are unnecessary. You go figure.* Brave is not on my option list at this very moment. Can I skip this level, please? Or is there a 'Quit Game' button somewhere? 

I seriously ought to get a grip of myself. Yeah, like I have any other choices! Oh, what the hell Senah…let’s just bite the bullet!  

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